The Freedom to Be Neither an ‘Insider’ Nor an ‘Outsider’

                                                                  Too much attention feels                           

                                                                           overwhelming

                                                                  but being invisible isn’t 

                                                                      what I want either.

                                                         So I live somewhere in between – not 

                                                         quite an insider, not quite an outsider.

I am a shy person – but one who still needs regular attention. You might call it a ‘shy attention-seeker’. Sometimes, I find myself feeling a little jealous of inssa types (short for ‘insiders’), but that doesn’t mean I want to become one. I subtly seek attention from others, but the moment that attention actually lands on me, it becomes over whelming – I just want to disappear. What’s even more ironic is that when I encounter someone much more reserved than I am, I often feel compelled to take the first step and want to break that invisible boundary.

        I don’t think it’s just me, but most people constantly shift parts of their personality depending on who they’re interacting with or the situations they’re in. It’s because when more than two people engage, a ‘flow of relationship’ begins to emerge. (In psychology, this is referred to as ‘group dynamics’.)

       Consider the American movie Her, for instance – a love story between a human and AI. The relationship between Theo and the AI OS, Samantha, unfolds like a subtle game of tug of war. Their constant push and pull creates the rhythm – the flow – of their relationship. Through this process, Samantha begins to outgrow her initial programming, mimicking and learning from Theo’s emotional intelligence. When even an AI OS can evolve through relational dynamics, it stands to reason that my own personality and behaviour are also fluid – shaped and reshaped within relationships.

       The same is true for a flow of attention’. We navigate a delicate balance between being seen and being overlooked – between visibility and invisibility – throughout our lives. This process isn’t always enjoyable, but it may be undeniable that it adds depth and colour to our experiences.

                                                                             MY LITTLE TIPS FOR                      

                                                                            BALANCING HEALTHY

                                                                   BOUNDARIES IN RELATIONSHIPS              

There’s nothing strange about the feeling of wanting to move closer when someone pushes you away, and wanting to pull back when someone comes too close. Rather than trying to fit into a fixed role – whether as an inssa or assa (outsider) – or labelling yourself one way or another, maybe it’s okay to just drift freely, finding your own rhythm in the sea of relationships around you.